I don’t know
how long
I can stand
the weight of not being enough.
I wait for a sign
like a thunderstorm,
to knock upon the windows
and clear out my confusion.
But the rain won’t come
and I sit,
with my uncertainty.
Trying to outwit my little bruised heart
from what cannot be controlled.
We all play our parts
dreaming of realities we are too scared
to set in motion.
Who will be the brave one?
Years back, I abandoned the traditional new years resolution in favor of a word of the year. The word can be a goal, encouragment, a reminder. Most importantly, for me, an intention for the coming year.
This past year, my word was Serenity. I was struggling with panic attacks and wanted to be able to stay calmer through the chaos.
Yeah. So. 2016.
It wasn’t serene. It was a rollercoaster, but I made it.
I chose Clarity because I’ve lost my way a bit. I need to figure out why I’m lost and what will put me back on my path.
everything I think I have
is built on quicksand
and I’m slowly sinking
down
somewhere unknown
no excitement
nor dread
just a realization
that im going alone
i’m trying
calmer and softer
you’re irritated
avoiding me,
lashing out at the first twinge of guilt
restless and unhappy
what do you want?
you dont want to hold me when i cry.
make all the excuses you want
say all the right words
in the right order
smile.
i feel nothing and everything
as though I know the ending to this movie
but i still have to play the part.
wishing i was mistaken
watching as the walls go up
yours and mine.
it’s raining outside
and i drive
from one place to the next
my mind as clouded as the sky.
watching things fall apart
in slow motion
wondering if,
like the leaves,
this is part of the cycle
or if it is gone
for good.
