I can’t sleep, again.

I take a warm bath, hoping it will relax my body enough to ease my mind.

I read, trying to outrun my insomnia with some good old fashioned escapism. It doesn’t work.

I lay in darkness. My partner next to me, snoring, while I fumble and toss around my blanket, a perfect representation of my restlessness.

I was furloughed from my job in late March. When it was time to go back in May, I discovered that I had been demoted. This was a job I had been at for (a little less than) a year, with chaotic training and constantly evolving procedures and policies. I was once told “the only consistent thing is inconsistency.” But I was excited to be there! I was part of the team and learning a new specialty! And wow, with an office growing I was bound to be helpful…

There are times in life when you just aren’t the right fit, and this was that time for me.

How do I know for sure? I was on a conference call with my team minutes after the email regarding said changes was sent, my voice betraying me by shaking as I asked clarifying questions. My manager says they will call me personally after our meeting to discuss. On that call, I apologize for being emotional and begin to ask why has this happened? I thought the implementation of ___ made things smoother? I thought …

I am interrupted and told:

“Talk to (partner), I’m just a paralegal.”

And at that moment, I knew I was all alone.

The person in charge of my team and my training had just dismissed me in a way I still barely grasp. I didn’t talk to the partner. I waited 36 hours to make sure I knew what I was doing, and I quit.

You don’t say that to someone you want to stick around.

Because of COVID-19, I had to quit via email- and because my cubicle was in a separate office from said partners, I had no chance to explain the things that should be said in person and not over a resignation email.

It triggered ALL of the things I am most insecure about. I wasn’t liked, I wasn’t trusted and I didn’t excel.

I have done affirmations and new moon rituals to Let It Go. Sometimes you aren’t the right fit, it isn’t the place where your talents are best utilized, and that’s it. There is no way around it. Now why can’t my brain accept this? Why must I re-live conversations and exchanged looks, things I heard said behind my back?

Why do we fixate on our failures instead of acknowledging our talents?

Shame, I need you to take it easy on me. I need to sleep.