I don’t believe anyone that has no regrets.
Are you lying to me, yourself,
or have you just not lived at all?
What does it take to be seen
and
Why do I want the approval?
Dreams don’t change the past
and
they won’t predict the future.
They haunt us.
Images of who we truly want to be
Could be,
Should have been.
Regret is the aching reality
Of the choices made
That got us here.
This past year has been about finding a new sense of normalcy after two very tumultuous years before it. I moved in with my boyfriend, enrolled in a paralegal course, got on medication for my anxiety and just last month quit my previous job. I’m ending the year of “Nourish” much less fragile than I was at the beginning, and so grateful for the life I have.
So, what word did I choose for 2019? While I had a short list, this one was at the top and stayed that way. Sometimes the word comes easy, other years you have to dig. My word for 2019 will be TRUST.
If you have ever learned about Chakra’s, the root chakra is about trusting yourself, that the universe will take care of you and that things will be okay. As a person who is anxious the majority of the time, I know this is where I need work. If Chakras aren’t your thing, it comes down to the fact that a lot of my energy goes into worrying and attempting to control life to avoid bad things happening.
So, I will Trust. The universe and myself and that everything will be okay.
I can listen to the song we danced to again.
no more skipping the memory.
I don’t wonder if you miss me anymore.
I just try to believe it all wasn’t a lie.
finally present in this new life, it took time.
I’m sure you’re changed, too.
no more sad goodbyes.
oh what a chapter we shared
but I have a new story now,
a new heart,
that beats for me.
Writing poetry is weird. Sharing it is strange. Yet, here we are.
For me, poetry is the way I process the hard stuff. When the emotions sit with me for hours, days, years not sure how to move forward until one day it spills out.
Poems are both intimate and vague, trying to emphasize the emotion rather than the event that created it. Often, I pull from memories that are long gone but still live with me. I find it interesting the projections people make on my words when they do read.
After I have written something, I usually like it. I re-read a few times, post it here, to twitter. Inevitably, I come back to it and feel exposed and embarrassed. I have debated many times deleting everything when I feel foolish and untalented. I rely too much on validation from others to build my self-esteem but I talk myself out of going dark because I believe the act of creating is worth something, even if it doesn’t feed my ego.
I look at pictures of people I used to know
and wonder how it must feel
To trust that your life is gonna turn out just as planned.
To not rip apart every interaction,
To find out what isn’t being said.
To feel at ease in the quiet.
I wish I still believed in forever
Now I just fear goodbye.
I dont know if i’ll ever be the same
never felt as scary
as it does now.
i sit
without a blueprint, or a clue.
no liberty in the uncertainty.
only burdened
by the clock ticking
-time wasted-
on what i couldn’t face.
wait and see is no comfort
when you’re trying to find who you are.
not sure how many times
i will let you
reject me
but,
i keep trying to see the sunshine
when all you show me are your rainy days.
it seems so easy for everyone
to tear apart the past into little pieces
rearranging memories so they fit convinently
into a shiny new life.
does it fix a broken heart
or salve a guilty conscious?
my heart doesn’t work that way.
it all stays.
i see the rays between the clouds
and you only want to push me away
maybe i’ll let the storm wash over me
and drown out the bright spots
but,
why should i hide my light?
This year has been one of the most challenging of my life. I walked into 2017 very unsure of the direction my life was going. I chose Clarity as my word of the year to better understand what was going on and what changes needed to be made. I spent most of the year struggling with grief and letting go, the summer was a bit of a reprieve but then at the end of this year another heartbreaking loss has come. Life is precious and we all forget to remember that as much as we should.
I’ve been pondering what my word should be for a month or so. In my quest to “let go” I have realized how difficult it is for me to be okay with making mistakes, how I don’t speak to myself as kindly as a I could and how often I place my validation in others. I came to the conclusion that self-love and acceptance are high up on my priority list– but in what way? I thought of TRUST as a possible word for the year (to trust that things will be okay) and RADICAL SELF LOVE but they didn’t quite hit the mark. Finally, I came to NOURISH.
The literal definitions couldn’t say it any better…
2.to cherish, foster, keep alive, etc.
3.to strengthen, build up, or promote
I have felt lost
for so long
that it may be home.
those fleeting moments
when i’ve heard i love you
or made grand plans
were nothing found
just delusions of security
echoing against
my broken corners.
in the oddest moments
i grieve.
i sage, i cry
i do every letting go ritual i can find.
and there is peace.
until i see his favorite coffee is on sale
and almost grab it.
or my dreams betray me,
and there he appears
to say all of the awful things
i fear about myself
are true.
when will i learn it is okay
to make mistakes?
love,
and people
change.
i am no longer the person who loved him.
i may miss her
but she’s gone.
