Going into 2020, I wanted to choose a word that built off of 2019’s– which was Trust. As an often anxious person, having Trust as my foundation allowed me to believe that things will work out as they should and that I can and do make good choices in life.
In the last few weeks, I have been thinking of goals I’d like for the new year. I want to read 24 books within the year (2 a month), continue learning and growing in my position at work, travel to Hawaii and, hopefully, Europe. Explore? Seek? Journey?…those didn’t quite work.
I want to learn, grow and travel, but it comes down to making the most of what I am fortunate enough to have. I trust the universe will take care of me, so now I want to THRIVE.
Have a beautiful Holiday Season and a 2020 that goes beyond your expectations!
Somehow, it is the end of the year. December of 2019. The end of the decade.
I’m a fan of reflecting, it is why I love to choose a Word of The Year. This year of TRUST went beyond my expectations. It lead me to a sense of relaxation and appreciation that I haven’t felt in a very long time. When I saw my cousins for Thanksgiving, they all commented on how happy I am. My brother said the same thing. The way to that happiness was in trusting that it was out there, that I was deserving of it, and that it would find its way to me.
Letting go was a very, very big lesson I had to learn this decade. In 2019, I feel like I took the next step into trusting that I can navigate this life and carve out my place and purpose.
I have a short list for 2020:
What about you? Have you started to focus on what you want out of this new year, and new decade? It will be a big one.
I hope anyone who finds this has an amazing holiday season. We are ready to take on 2020 and make an impact, I can feel it.
Somehow, it is July.
I haven’t been writing much. Not poetry or on my private JRNL.
It is a relief to not have sad poetry to share, but I miss writing creatively. In this state of flux I’ll just have to try things out til it feels right.
My year of Trust has been peachy so far.
I quit my previous job in December, finished a paralegal course in mid February, and started my new job April 1st. Having a bit of a breather between the two was a luxury I’ve never had before and really appreciated. I used up my small savings to do it, and it was worth it.
Learning new things is great, when it isn’t terrible. I do not like being the dumb one in the room, and inevitably you are the dumb one in the room a lot the first year. I will try to get over it, but not being dramatic isn’t really in my wheelhouse.
I needed the change, and I’m truly grateful things have worked out the way that they have. I bought cute things for my desk at work, including this heart shaped Pyrite, Citrine and Black Tourmaline and I’m pretty excited to be the weird witchy lady.
I don’t believe anyone that has no regrets.
Are you lying to me, yourself,
or have you just not lived at all?
Dreams don’t change the past
they won’t predict the future.
They haunt us.
Images of who we truly want to be
Should have been.
Regret is the aching, annoying reality
Of the choices made
That got us here.
This past year has been about finding a new sense of normalcy after two very tumultuous years before it. I moved in with my boyfriend, enrolled in a paralegal course, got on medication for my anxiety and just last month quit my previous job. I’m ending the year of “Nourish” much less fragile than I was at the beginning, and so grateful for the life I have.
So, what word did I choose for 2019? While I had a short list, this one was at the top and stayed that way. Sometimes the word comes easy, other years you have to dig. My word for 2019 will be TRUST.
If you have ever learned about Chakra’s, the root chakra is about trusting yourself, that the universe will take care of you and that things will be okay. As a person who is anxious the majority of the time, I know this is where I need work. If Chakras aren’t your thing, it comes down to the fact that a lot of my energy goes into worrying and attempting to control life to avoid bad things happening.
So, I will Trust. The universe and myself and that everything will be okay.
I can listen to the song we danced to again.
no more skipping the memory.
I don’t wonder if you miss me anymore.
I just try to believe it all wasn’t a lie.
finally present in this new life, it took time.
I’m sure you’re changed, too.
no more sad goodbyes.
oh what a chapter we shared
but I have a new story now,
a new heart,
that beats for me.
Writing poetry is weird. Sharing it is strange. Yet, here we are.
For me, poetry is the way I process the hard stuff. When the emotions sit with me for hours, days, years not sure how to move forward until one day it spills out.
Poems are both intimate and vague, trying to emphasize the emotion rather than the event that created it. Often, I pull from memories that are long gone but still live with me. I find it interesting the projections people make on my words when they do read.
After I have written something, I usually like it. I re-read a few times, post it here, to twitter. Inevitably, I come back to it and feel exposed and embarrassed. I have debated many times deleting everything when I feel foolish and untalented. I rely too much on validation from others to build my self-esteem but I talk myself out of going dark because I believe the act of creating is worth something, even if it doesn’t feed my ego.
I look at pictures of people I used to know
and wonder how it must feel
To trust that your life is gonna turn out just as planned.
To not rip apart every interaction,
To find out what isn’t being said.
To feel at ease in the quiet.
I wish I still believed in forever
Now I just fear goodbye.
I dont know if i’ll ever be the same
never felt as scary
as it does now.
without a blueprint, or a clue.
no liberty in the uncertainty.
by the clock ticking
on what i couldn’t face.
wait and see is no comfort
when you’re trying to find who you are.